Layers

I’ve been thinking about the layers of emotions and feelings, what we think we feel vs what we actually feel.. I usually don’t run away from my  thoughts and feelings.. In fact, I have quite the opposite problem – I dwell on them too much when I’m trying to figure out why I feel a certain way or what I want or what’s going on.. There’s  something that happened on Sunday that I’m struggling  with.. While I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel this strong physiological response and have been unable to process it..

If you’ve been reading this space, you probably know about B – the guy I was dating for a few months and fell in love with and who was everything that I had been looking for.. Now, all was well in my world last weekend and I was working towards getting over B, or so I thought.. I even went on a date last week and was acting mature and told B about it when we talked on Saturday.. B and I have been friends, we talk about once a week and we’re happy to share life’s happenings with each other.. For some reason, I  randomly called him on Sunday night and as we were about to hang up, he mentioned that he recently  started seeing someone.. I didn’t know what to say except that I didn’t know and we hung up within a few minutes.. I immediately called him back and asked how long had it been, I don’t know why I needed to know that but I did.. Within a few minutes, we realized that I wasn’t OK with this new piece of information.. He was surprised at my reaction and I didn’t quite know what I was feeling and why.. We talked for another half hour as I quietly cried on the phone.. He sensed that and asked if I was alright and I said I was.. I told him I was surprised and I couldn’t quite understand what I was feeling.. We talked about what he and the relationship still meant to me and a few things I had not told him before.. All I knew was I couldn’t stop crying and there was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.. I also felt guilty because I wanted to be happy for him since he was happy.. After hanging up, I felt like I couldn’t breath and the walls were closing in on me.. I cried in bed as I felt someone had kicked me in the gut, it felt like something or someone had died.. At some point that night, I finally fell asleep but I haven’t been able to shake off this feeling, this pit of dread in my stomach.. When I woke up the next morning, I text him that I may be so affected because subconsciously, I felt/thought/hoped that I meant more to him than he said/realized and that someday he would miss me and would want to be with me.. Someday, he would change his mind and feel the way I do.. His moving on and seeing someone else so soon is like a slap in the face, it tells me that that’s not the case and is not going to happen.. It makes me realize that this is just an illusion in my head.. My mind goes back to this conversation but then runs away from it.. My stomach clenches and I feel nauseous and I can’t understand why, so I’m writing about it here in an attempt to confront my thoughts and emotions and figure out what’s going on..

“The hardest part of waking up in the morning is remembering everything you were trying to forget last night.”

Over the last three months, I have found myself fondly remembering many shared moments with B, big and small.. However, right now, whenever I think of any of that , I think of him sharing those moments with another woman and I can’t handle that.. Both B and I had past relationships and we were comfortable talking about them.. The past never bothered me but a future does.. My rational mind tells me that this is crazy because things are over between us.. Of course, I didn’t expect him to stay single but I also didn’t think about him being with someone else.. I wonder if this is just jealousy or something more..

B had been through a few rough relationships and decided not to be in a long term relationship and I knew that within the first few weeks of meeting him.. After about five years or so, I’m not exactly sure how long, this was the first semi-serious relationship he was in.. We both had a great connection and I was almost sure that he would change his mind about not wanting to be in a long term relationship.. I really loved him and cared for him and I just wonder why it wasn’t enough. I now wonder, did his not changing his mind, at some point, become about me not being enough? If what we shared wasn’t enough? Watching stupid romantic movies while growing up, I was waiting for my happy ending and I felt that this was it.. I grew up watching, in reel and real life, women fixing and saving men from whatever demons were plaguing them.. I wonder if I was subconsciously trying to do that, if B not changing his mind meant that my love and what we shared wasn’t enough for him.. As much as I’ve tried to fight and move away from this mindset, it sometimes finds a way back..

When I think about our conversation, I find it very hard to think of him being  with another  woman.. When we were together, we both had a lot going on.. I was crazy busy applying to jobs and interviewing, and then wrapping up work and home and 7 years of my life in the US.. He was in a similar situation – he was applying for jobs and interviewing and wrapping up his work.. We were only able to see each other once a week and despite all this, we had a great time together.. In my head, this was evidence that we had a really strong connection if we provided so much support to each other in the middle of these storms.. In the last two months, things have calmed down for him, he is working in a new job that he really likes, he has a good work life balance and he is happy.. I’m genuinely happy for him for all these things.. What I struggle with is why I didn’t get a chance to be with him in these situations, a real chance at a relationship with him.. I’m angry that someone else gets that chance.. I’m not angry at him or her, but at life and circumstances and fate.. I’m angry because I feel like life’s been unfair to me.. I’m angry and frustrated and I’m tired of feeling hurt and of longing for love.. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in Pittsburgh a bit longer.. I know that I can’t control life or its outcomes but I can’t stop thinking about this..

When I think of B with this person, I have a strong feeling that it will be something long term.. What if they decide to get married someday.. I know that I should be happy for him if that’s what he wants someday and decides to go ahead with it.. I genuinely respect him and care for him and want him to be happy.. But I feel like I’ve been cheated of something.. I feel that that person could have been with me.. Our relationship ended for no other reason except that I had to move out of Pittsburgh and I feel like that’s one of life’s cruel jokes.. When  you’re hurting in love, people who love you and care for you usually say something to the effect of you deserve better or that he or she didn’t deserve  you or that it was the other person’s loss.. This is what I heard but I don’t agree.. We both treated each other so well, there was so much respect, appreciation, and space in this relationship.. I felt that he valued and treated me just the way I wanted to be treated..

Another thing that I’m thinking about is replaceability, that everyone in our life is replaceable.. When we were talking that night after B told me, he said that the time he spent with me was one of the happiest times in his life.. He had told me that he was very happy with me within the first few weeks of meeting and he has always said that I will always be special for him.. I told him that I know that and realize that a relationship ending does not mean that what we had with that person wasn’t special .. However, I can’t help but think that if it was that special, then why did it end.. Some part of me ends up thinking that what we had was not special  enough, that I was not special enough.. I’ve been alright with being replaceable.. When my 8 year relationship ended, I genuinely wanted my ex to meet someone who he would be happy with.. Maybe the problem in the current situation is that we were really  happy and compatible together and I feel that there’s no reason for us to not be together..  I can’t stop thinking about what could have been..

This was the best relationship that I’ve been in.. I know that I would have done whatever it took to give it a real chance, if he were willing.. A little over a month ago, I wrote him a really long mail pouring my heart out and telling him all that I felt for him.. It was an attempt to leave no stone unturned and also to reason with him and hopefully make him reconsider his decision.. The only thing that I’ll be mad at him for is that he never replied to that email.. It was hard for me to write that mail, it took me days and I invested a lot of emotion in it.. I expected him to respond.. When I asked him about it,  he said that he didn’t feel ready to invest the emotions to respond to that email.. At some point, I accepted that and moved on.. When he told me about his seeing someone else, I was a little angry that he couldn’t invest emotions to respond to my email but can invest emotions to start seeing someone else.. I know that that’s his choice and decision to make and I have no right to be mad at him for this.. A new relationship usually brings a lot of excitement  and positive vibes, so these are two very different  situations.. But I can’t help feeling hurt about him not bothering to respond to that email..

So this is how I feel right now. Just when you think you’re moving in the right direction and life is getting better, life kicks you in the gut and you’re back where you started.. Is this how loss and grief feels? Have you dealt with unrequited love or something like this? I don’t know if I’m over-reacting or being overly dramatic about all this, but it just hurts too much right now.. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions for me as I deal with this.

Today morning, I saw this quote and maybe I need to try and let things go, I just can’t figure out how to do it..

“Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go.” – Mandy Hale

 

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What a Year!

How long has it been since I’ve been here! I’ve missed writing and I’ve missed this space.. I know that I have never written here regularly, but I think of things I want to write about almost every other day.. I actually wanted to participate in NaBloPoMo this year but the last few days were crazy and I didn’t get around to it.. I even had the first post drafted in my head.. OK, the first few lines of the first post, I admit! But that still counts, right?

Anyway, coming back to now.. Where shall we start.. 2016 has been quiet a year for me, so many exciting things have happened.. So shall we start with an update.. in bullet points, perhaps? I know it’s not the end of the year but I feel that this year needs a recap already.. I think it has been a great year for me, I wanted to make the last year of my twenties count, and I think I’m doing a good job at it!🙂 So let’s start with an update:

I missed the blogathon in January, so I decided to write everyday in February.. I almost wrote everyday but gave up in the last few days.. In February, I was considering online dating as I had written here, and one Friday night in March, I decided to bite the bullet and give it a shot.. It was a night when I was frustrated with going back to my exes and getting disappointed.. What followed was about a month of conversations with a few people and a couple of boring first dates.. And then I met B and we clicked on the first date.. Despite a lot of doubts about getting involved with someone at the time, I couldn’t resist the temptation and we kept seeing each other and I fell head over heels in love with him.. I have briefly written about him here and here.. We were together for a little less than four months and it’s been over three months since I left but I am still in love with him and trying very hard to get over him.. However, I have no regrets at all.. He was perfect for me, and I can’t stop remembering all the sweet little things he did for me.. We were driving through the forest and he sang “Lean on me” to me because I mentioned that I liked the song.. On our first trip together, I forgot to pack a toothbrush and he had packed a spare one for me just in case.. I could go on about the so many things that he did and why he means so much to me..  All in all, he showed me what it’s like to love and want and respect someone and feel loved and wanted and respected in an adult romantic relationship.. Even though he never said he loved me, all that he did when we were together conveyed that love.. Most importantly, he made me respect and fall in love myself again and showed me all that I offer in a relationship..

I also spent the first half of this year applying to lots of jobs and interviewing at a few places.. Initially, I only applied for jobs in Canada because I had decided to move here from the US.. After many melt-downs and existential crises, I also applied to jobs in the US and interviewed for a couple of positions.. Eventually, I accepted a postdoctoral position in Toronto and moved here in September end.. It’s not my dream job and is a compromise in some ways but it’s a step in the right direction, hopefully.. I had been thinking about wanting to move to Canada for a few years now and it happened and it will hopefully work out in the long term..

It was a lot of work to wrap up seven years of my life in the US.. I had to organize six years of work in the lab and leave things in a state that someone else could continue working on my projects.. At home, I spent a lot of time organizing my things.. I only kept about 30% of the things I owned, donated most of my stuff and sold all the furniture.. There were endless days of sorting and packing and I was exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed for the last couple of weeks.. Even though it was crazy at the time, I was so happy and proud of myself that I accomplished all of this on my own.. The only help I had was when I asked B and a friend to take things to a donation place and the storage facility because I don’t have a driver’s license.. I managed everything else on my own and it was empowering.. As I think of the last few minutes in the apartment, I remember this conversation with B.
“Do you still have a spine?” he asked.
“I do, but it’s ready to break into two,” I answered, lying next to him on the carpet.
“You have a spine of steel. I am so proud of you for all that you do.”
With tears in my eyes, I managed to move closer to him and kissed him.

For many years in graduate school, I had wanted to take time off after my Ph.D. degree.. Initially, I wanted to take a a year off but reality eventually dawned and I realized that a year would not be feasible.. When I was looking for jobs, I kept this as a priority and was eventually able to take two full months off.. I couldn’t leave North America because of visa issues and spent some time struggling with the reality of not being able to travel to Indonesia or Europe (both were concrete travel plans at some point).. I also didn’t want to travel alone to begin with but I made my peace with it.. I chose to accept these restrictions and make the best of what I had.. I traveled across the country on the Amtrak, spent some time in a few cities on the West coast, and had some interesting experiences, both good and bad.. I am so glad I gathered the courage to make this trip and enjoyed the luxury of time.. After spending a few weeks with my sister and BIL in Edmonton, I traveled to Tofino in Vancouver Island for a week and that was surreal.. I definitely have to write more about these travels and should leave some fodder for the blogging challenge!

I moved to Toronto a little over a month ago and I’m still transitioning and settling in.. There are many days when I feel overwhelmed with changing jobs, cities, and countries.. I feel stressed and exhausted having to deal with everything on my own.. I am still looking for apartments and have to move again in December..  On many days, I’m annoyed and frustrated with many things and I question my decision to move to Canada.. Of course it doesn’t help that I miss my friends and B and my life in Pittsburgh.. But there are also days when I feel alright.. When I feel at peace and think that things will eventually work out.. Big changes in life are hard and I hope that Toronto will feel like home a few months or a year or two later..  Spending many days and nights thinking about B and missing him, I finally decided to give online dating a try again.. I realize now that I can survive on my own and be moderately happy but I am happier when I am in a fulfilling relationship.. Earlier this week, I went on a first date that was a bit meh.. And instead of just meeting this guy again because I don’t want to be alone, I told him that I’m not interested.. This is when I realized that I’m so glad that I met and dated B because it gave me a good idea for what I want and how a good relationship made me feel.. So, I think and hope that I am finally in a position to say “Don’t be sad that it’s over, be happy that it happened..”

For me, this year has been about being courageous and doing things I want to despite my fears, and I hope that I continue to live my life on this track.. I will leave you with this quote..

“Our dreams will break the boundaries of our fear.” – Brandon Flowers

Song on my mind – All of Me by John Legend

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Moments

Life’s all about moments
big and small
and someone to share them with
or not…

I hiked
through the rain forest
to this beach
with gorgeous views
and crashing waves
that calm my soul…

There’s a few other people
A mid aged couple
eating lunch on the rocks
A younger couple
sitting on a log
An older couple
walking and holding hands
A little further
I see a woman
writing in her journal…

I think to myself
what I want to do
I’ve taken pictures
to my heart’s content
I’m carrying a book
but no journal or pen
So I type on my phone
whatever comes to mind…

Solo travel is exhilarating
but also exhausting
To step out of your comfort zone
Be the master of your time
Reach out to people
Make some new friends
Be responsible for yourself
for the good and the bad times…

I look at the ocean again
and think about the rock I’m perched on
exposed at low tide
what would happen
if a big wave came crashing by

I think about love
and life
what would it be like
to lose a loved one to death
harder than heartbreak, I guess…
I am intrigued
how one dimensional life can feel
when you’re grieving a loss
how nothing seems to matter
on days like that…

I sit here transfixed
by the warmth of the sun
and the sound of the waves
and say a silent thanks
for being present
in this moment
that I long to share with you…

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Love – Found and Lost!

“Is it the painter in you that loves sunsets?” She was intrigued by the thoughtfulness in the first message he sent her. She smiled and responded and they ended up texting for a few hours. The conversations were interesting and she started looking forward to them.  After chatting for about a week, they decided to meet. It was late spring and the weather was finally beginning to warm up, so they met in the plaza for their first date.

She was early for their first date and worked on her laptop, while watching other people soak up the sun. They briefly hugged when he came and started talking about the usual introductory stuff about each other. As conversation flowed effortlessly, they talked about science and careers, dating and relationships, life and family and growing up with siblings, books and writing, and minutes turned into hours.

Towards the end of the evening, she knew that she had to bring it up. “I need to be upfront that I am looking for a job and will be moving from here soon. So if you are looking for a serious relationship, I don’t want to waste your time.”

“I appreciate your being honest about this. I am not looking for anything and just like to go with the flow. I am enjoying your company and would love to see you again. I would say tomorrow, but I know you have plans. Let’s meet again, as soon as possible.”

She was meeting  friends for dinner that night and they reluctantly parted ways making plans to meet within the next couple of days.

One Month Later

She had interviewed for a couple of positions since they had met and was surprised at how supportive he had been and how close they had grown in their brief time together. They had been on several dates, had interesting conversations, enjoyed each other’s company, and were very comfortable around each other. A couple of days earlier, she had received her first job offer and was excited about it and they went out to celebrate. As they were walking to the car after a movie and dinner, she mentioned that it had been a month since they had met. She wasn’t sure if she should wish him a happy anniversary, she wasn’t sure what this meant to him. “I must really like you, I don’t think that I’ve dated someone this long without…”, he paused and smiled. “Well, I am special, you know,” she winked and smiled back at him. She thought about the last month and how surprised he had been when she had told him that she had not had sex with anyone yet, and yet how comfortable she felt talking to him about sex. They had been intimate several times yet she never felt pressured or rushed. After reading about consent and sex positivity in the last few years, she was happy to have met someone who was understanding and respectful. They made love for the first time that night. He was thoughtful, gentle, and caring. He was everything that she had hoped for, and more.

Two Months Later

She was thinking about the date all week but didn’t bring it up because she didn’t want to appear needy or too attached. She thought about the last two months, about their trip to the caverns over the long weekend and the fabulous time they had. She remembered telling him that she loved him, how she blurted it out right before they arrived home because she had been thinking about it all weekend. She thought about the day she slept over at his place for the first time, how they solved a maths problem while he made dinner, how he packed lunch and made smoothies for breakfast. She loved that they challenged most gender stereotypes in their relationship. He always asked her for directions because she knew the city more than he did. He was emotionally and physically expressive and they had great chemistry and she found herself surprised at how attracted she was to him and how much she enjoyed sex. “By the way, I just realized that it has been two months since we met,” she casually mentioned when they facetimed that evening. “You realized it now, I had been thinking about it earlier today,” he responded. She was secretly happy that he remembered. She remembered all week and was trying to be nonchalant, she confessed a few minutes later.

Three Months Later

She had accepted a job offer and couldn’t stop thinking about how it was time for her to leave. She had already started organizing and packing and was wondering what would happen to their relationship. They had talked a few weeks earlier and he had said that he wasn’t ready for a long-term relationship at this point. She had been upset about it but eventually made her peace with it. She had not been this happy in a long time and what was the point in ruining the present for what the future may or may not hold. She thought of all the things that made her happy since she had met him. The first time he had said he missed her was when they made love on the couch after he came back from a short weekend trip. She remembered their short weekend trip to the state park, the picnic lunch he had made for them, the walks by the river, sharing poetry, clicking pictures, the sunsets, and how someone walking on the street saw them and said they looked happy. She loved how they talked about science and work, gender inequality and other societal issues, hopes and dreams for their lives, and how much he valued her thoughts and opinions, her little wishes, how he pulled her leg and teased her. She was grateful that they could be totally honest with each other and were able to talk about anything under the sun, including past relationships and their fears in life. She felt lucky to have met him and couldn’t believe how quickly time was going by by and how happy they were. As they made love at midnight, she told him it had been three months since they had met. “Oh I didn’t realize it’s the 15th today. Are you sure we didn’t meet on the 16th?” he teased. “Happy three months,” he kissed her. She smiled and wished him the same. As he made time to drop her at work the next morning even when he was running late, she silently hoped that this would work out.

Four Months Later

It had been a little over two weeks since she had left and he had said he didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship a few days before she left. Instead of goodbyes, the farewell was filled with au revoirs and promises to meet again. She had been traveling for two weeks and was enjoying the long distance train journeys and living the adventure that she had been dreaming about for years. They still talked regularly and she missed him and had not let go of the hope that something might work out. When they talked on the 15th, she wished him a happy four months and he wished her back. When she brought up her visiting him over the following weekend, she realized that he didn’t have time to see her and didn’t want her to make the trip. Although she knew his reasons were genuine and she understood his situation, she was frustrated. She knew that she was hoping against hope for something to work out and was fighting the reality that it wasn’t going to happen. She was scared that she might not see him again. She reminded herself that even if this was the end, this was a mature and respectful relationship that made her happy, and it set a good standard for what she would expect from future relationships. Except that she didn’t want any other relationship, she wanted to be with him.

Five Months Later

A month later, they were having a similar conversation. She wanted to go and see him over the weekend and they fought about it on the 14th. This was the biggest fight they had ever had, it was probably their first fight. Maybe the only fight they would ever have. He didn’t think it was a good time to meet because things would get complicated, he didn’t want to deal with emotions and didn’t want himself to be the focal point of her travel plans. She tried to convince him that she didn’t have an agenda and wasn’t trying to salvage a relationship. She wanted one last weekend with him – a weekend of happiness and laughter and intimacy. They were both right and they were both wrong. On the next day, she wondered if he remembered, if he would call or text her. She didn’t like prolonged fights, so she texted him mentioning that she was not coming. An offering of peace. He didn’t respond. She wondered if he was busy or choosing not to respond. Although they talked the following day and things returned to normal, she wondered if he remembered. As she reminisced their three and a half or four months together, she knew that there was no fifth month anniversary. There had been a brief glimmer of hope in the past month. She had interviewed for a position to move back to the same city where he was, it was an excellent opportunity for her career and would have given their relationship a fresh breath of life. However, despite her fervent prayers and hopes and dreams, she wasn’t hired for the position. Meanwhile, they weren’t talking as regularly anymore and she was coming to the realization that it was over. They could probably be friends. She had been trying to process it over a few weeks and had already shed many tears when she missed him.  Although she was trying to be happy that it happened, she couldn’t help being sad that it was over. When she saw the poem he had shared on facebook a few days earlier, she wondered if he didn’t love her even a tiny little bit. Was the poem a sign? It was interesting how the same poem could be a reflection of both their lives despite their contrasting approaches to love and life.

they come

different and the same

with each it is different and the same

with each the absence of love is different

with each the absence of love is the same

– Samuel Beckett

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The need for change and DofG – Sep 2

Today, I am thankful for:

  • Working out in the gym in the morning, since it helps me with managing pain and stiffness and the endorphins help me feel better all day.
  • I’m visiting my sister S1 and brother-in-law in Canada for a few weeks and it was nice to spend some time and hangout with my sister in the evening.
  • We went to visit their friends last night and had a good time hanging out with them, their parents who are visiting from India, and meeting their new born baby. I loved the delicious Indian food from a restaurant we recently discovered and I drank rum and coke after ages.

Two brilliant things that I read/watched today:

  1. I read this post by Shail today morning and loved it and could not agree more.
  2. When I was working out at the elliptical, I watched this TED talk by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie and it is absolutely brilliant. A few months ago, I read a collection of short stories by Chimamanda Adichie and really liked them. I started reading one of her novels after that but had to leave it within the first few chapters because it triggered some traumatic emotions for me and I didn’t have the resources to deal with them at the time. Anyway, I knew about this TED talk and had been meaning to watch it for a long time. I finally watched the video yesterday and Oh My God, it’s brilliant and I love it. She’s not saying anything that I haven’t heard before, but what makes this talk awesome is the fact that she articulates so many important points about gender inequality and feminism in a 30 minute talk. I could not stop nodding my head in agreement at every point she made. While she mostly talks about her experiences in Nigeria and Africa, I found most of them to be true in the Indian context and some in the US as well. Please please watch the video and tell me what you think!

Watching and reading these two things was helpful for me today because they reminded me of things I was passionate about and believed in. For many years, I have believed in the power of one and how it is important to engage with people and have rational conversations even if they may be difficult. I have believed in doing my bit and hoping that through these conversations, I would learn something new and question my mindset or have the same effect on other people. In my opinion, this is the best way to shake things up and bring about a change because we are the people who make this society and culture. When I started volunteering for AID in 2011, I learnt to think objectively and question cultural norms and political ideologies. While I was always a feminist even when I didn’t realize it, volunteering with AID opened my eyes to many other injustices in society. I actively engaged in discussions even when they were difficult and learnt a lot from other people.

Over the last couple of years, I have lost that zeal to engage in discussions. It started when I had to my write my dissertation within a couple of months and was working all the time. I started avoiding reading some political posts at the time due to a lack of time and energy to deal with anger and frustration arising from these issues. Things kept getting busier and while I did start reading articles on gender and some other issues, I only shared them with like-minded friends, people that I considered my safe spaces. Over time, I have grown indifferent or numb to many things.There are so many atrocities happening in the world everyday, the refugee crisis in Middle East, the right wing propaganda in Europe, the political situation in USA, the constant barrage of patriarchal bullshit and its ramifications everywhere in the world, just to name a few. In an attempt to initially protect myself in times of stress and pick my battles, I have gradually grown indifferent to many things. Instead of feeling angry and upset when I read these things, I feel a sense of hopelessness and despair. I feel that there’s nothing that I can do to change things. And this only depresses me further – it adds to my personal struggles and makes everything worse. I feel like I need to find my passion and voice my feelings and opinions to reconnect with my core and feel energetic again. While my personal and professional life has kept me busy and has been getting better, there is a void that I need to fill. I feel like I need to be working towards a cause that’s larger than my individual struggles. It helps me stay grounded and remember the bigger picture. It also reminds me of all the things I have and my privilege.

So this is what I need to change. I need to vocalize my thoughts and feelings and start engaging with people and discussing important issues, online and offline. I need to stay in touch with my beliefs and contribute my part in fighting against injustice. Gender inequality has been close to my heart for most of my adult life and that’s where I am going to start. On this note, I will see you tomorrow! Have a good weekend!

I have decided to make September my ‘Days of Gratitude‘ (DofG) month. I will be posting everyday about something that I am thankful for in that day. I want to do this as a reminder to myself to be thankful for what I have, and also to develop a habit of mindfulness and self-reflection.

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Days of Gratitude – Sep 1

Hello there! I wonder if anyone still reads this blog.. I’m back, at least for a bit. So, in an attempt to start writing again, I was reading some of my old posts.

 I did a gratitude challenge in September 2014. I thought it was last year, but I checked and found out that it was two years ago, time flies. I had thought of doing a reflections post after the challenge but of course I never got around to it. I do remember that I felt better after doing that challenge for two reasons. First, it helped me focus on the positives in my life and be thankful for what I have. Secondly, it helped me reflect on my day and writing everyday taught me to focus in the present moment. Since I’ve been wanting to write regularly and have many things I’d like to share with you and I am still trying to learn to focus on the present moment, I think I’d like to start with this gratitude challenge.

So here we are. I am PMSing and not feeling great, but thinking about today, here’s what I am thankful for:

  • Being on a break / long vacation and being able to stay in bed until 11.30 am today.
  • Passively watching Gilmore Girls all day as I worked on some things that I needed to.
  • A gorgeous sunset this evening (you know I love sunsets).
  • Finally being able to write this post and publish it before I go to bed. I’ve been thinking about it all day and was having a hard time getting started. I also have many half written drafts from the last month that I didn’t finish. In any case, I’m just happy to be writing again. I know this post is very choppy and doesn’t flow at all, but please bear with me as I get better at this.

I read my September 2014 posts and this was the description and I think it still holds true. 

I have decided to make September my ‘Days of Gratitude‘ month. I will be posting everyday about something that I am thankful for in that day. I want to do this as a reminder to myself to be thankful for what I have, and also to develop a habit of mindfulness and self-reflection.

P.S. Wish me luck and feel free to join me in this month of gratitude if you’d like..

P.S. 2 I’m writing this on the phone, so please ignore any errors. See you tomorrow! 

Posted in Days of Gratitude | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

Wanting Love…

“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”

I want to say this to you, right now. If only I could feel it too. I am tired. I am frustrated because I feel too much and expect and want more.

I love you, I said when we were saying goodbye.

Not as much as I like you, you responded.

Was that true, I now wonder. I’m not disputing what you said. I remember you changing plans to spend those last two nights with me. I remember your eyes, our hugs, your holding my hand and not wanting to let go, your hesitation in leaving the elevator door after our final goodbye.

Go now, I said.

I wish we had a choice. I wish we could spend some more time together, more minutes, more hours, more days…

Eighteen days later, it feels different. I do realize the constraints in our current situations but I feel what I feel. Time and again, I find myself wanting more – more time, more involvement, more you. I have been willing to re-organize my life and prioritize meeting you and spending time with you. I choose to do that.

I know that you like spending time with me and you did all that you could do. I also know that I can’t hold you responsible for not doing things you never said you will. You’ve been honest since the beginning about where you stand. Whenever we talked, you said that you weren’t ready for a long-term relationship. When it was time for me to move, you clearly said that you didn’t want a long-distance relationship. The irony of the situation is that when we first met,  I wasn’t ready to start seeing you. Or anyone else, for that matter. I didn’t expect to fall in love when I knew I would be leaving the city in the next few months.  And then I met you. And fell in love.

When I realized how much you meant to me, I was willing to change some plans. I tried to stay longer in the same city or close by, but it didn’t work out. I wanted to give things a real shot, to see if this can go anywhere, if what we have can last. Because I have been happy with you and it feels right. Because you seem to be the kind of guy I want to spend my life with. Because I think about wanting to raise kids with you, when I’m not even sure if I ever want kids. Because I respect and appreciate you for who you are. Because I feel seen, heard, valued and appreciated in this relationship.

I know it’s too soon. We’ve known each for only four months. I was not asking for any guarantees. I just wanted you to want this as much as I do.

We talk almost everyday. We Facetime often. I call you everyday because my day feels incomplete if we don’t talk. I don’t know what we have and where we stand. I am afraid to ask you, maybe because I don’t even want to find out. I am afraid to hear you repeat that you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship. This way, I live in the hope that we have something. As I get ready to leave the country, I just want to see you one more time. Because I am afraid that I may not see you again. Ever. And I know that it probably doesn’t matter if I see you this one time either, right? But to me, it does.

I love you. I have told you that a few times. I don’t expect you to say it back, I always tell you after. But some part of me wants to hear that you love me.

I am living my dreams and having the time of my life. You are a part of this time.

I miss you. I think about you everyday, no matter where I am, and what I’m doing. I just wish that it was reciprocal. Either you felt as strongly as I did, or I didn’t feel as much. I am a strong independent woman and I choose to live my life on my terms, as much as I can. However, when it comes to love, I can’t stop my heart from falling too fast and too hard. I don’t know how to not think about you or want you less. So I just hope that maybe you start wanting me more. On that note, happy four months!

Posted in Fact or fiction!, LIFE, love | Tagged , , , , , , , | 3 Comments