Writing, really, is a muscle (I think this is a quote by someone famous, but I don’t remember and I am not going to look it up right now) . The longer I don’t write, the harder it gets to think of things to write, and to actually sit down and write something. So, here I am, writing a post about everything that’s on my mind right now.
I feel incredibly guilty about writing this post. How can I write about feeding my soul and my first world problems when people were being attacked and murdered in Delhi a week ago. Before going further, I should say, the violence in Delhi is not affecting me or my family in any significant way. I have been cognizant of this privilege, I am learning to use it for standing up against the atrocities, to have uncomfortable conversations with my family, and to spread the news in my limited social circles. For the last week or so, I have been thinking, we are going to get back to our lives, move on to the next violence and the next tragedy that needs our attention. But there are people who have been murdered. People whose houses and businesses have been burned to the ground. People who have lost a loved one. People who have been beaten and humiliated for the religion that they practice. People whose lives have been brought to a pause. For their existence in a country they call their own. Will they be able to heal from this trauma? When they’re worried that they have lost their documents in the fires that destroyed their homes. When they are worried that government officers may be completing NPR documents in the guise of providing them support. I am starting to feel numbed by this never-ending state sponsored violence but that is not the solution. I want to keep engaging and do what I can to make people at least see that there may be a different side to the story they are not aware of.
In real life, I am taking breaks from the news cycle. But it feels problematic to share about what’s normal in my life on social media. I took a few photographs but I haven’t shared them to Instagram.
Work has been very busy and I am exhausted and close to feeling burnt out. It happens often. I don’t quite know how to take a break. It’s not that I work all the time. I do things that make me happy. But nothing feeds the soul. I feel that the only thing that feeds my soul is getting away from the routine. Going away for a weekend. And writing. Or reading. Or walking and taking photographs. And to be honest, I used to like doing these things alone. Yet, I have not been able to travel solo for almost two years now. I have planned a couple of trips, down to the last detail, but have not found the energy to travel alone and have decided to not make the actual bookings. The idea of not being able to travel alone scares me. It’s not that I love every aspect of solo travel, but it is the only time I am totally selfish and don’t put any pressure on myself to do anything. So, I think it is the time when my soul feels nourished.
Everyday life feels weird right now. I am working long hours and commuting. I am always tired and in pain. I am doing all the adulting things to keep life functional – cooking, dishes, laundry, groceries, etc. I am seeing people once or twice a week. I am reading the news on the commute and catching up on social media. I still haven’t found a balance with my social media consumption. But work being very busy right now doesn’t leave much time for it. I am realizing that I am a workaholic in some ways. I am habituated/addicted to the pressure and the crazy hours. And yet, I feel the void for something meaningful. So, with all this going on, I am still thinking about taking a course or volunteering. I don’t know how I am going to pull it off if I do. For a day or two, I have been thinking about how this is perhaps a dysfunctional pattern – my inability to slow down and breathe and find relaxing things I can enjoy. My anxiety takes over the moment I have free time and I distract with social media.
Talking about anxiety, I wonder if I actually have anxiety. Is my constant overthinking and optimizing anxiety. Or is this how everyone functions.
Okay, I think I have rambled long enough. And I should have gone to bed an hour ago. So off I go. Please excuse the bad grammar/typos in this post. I just wanted to write something here. And I am going to hit publish before my anxiety about only wanting to write coherent focused posts here stops me from publishing this. Oh, but wait, before that, I obviously have to find the right tags, etc. Okay I will stop boring you with more details.
Take care and be kind and compassionate to others, please. Until next time!