I know that I will not be writing 31 days posts this month, not even close. But I am trying to do my best. To be honest, I have not even tried to write in the past week. I have been feeling quite low and have just found it easier to distract and numb with TV and/or social media.
This January feels very hard. I, and many other people, were expecting this, what with the combination of prolonged pandemic anxiety, cold gray short winter days, and the extended isolation. But it feels harder.
I have not been feeling well for almost this entire month now. I had minor cold/cough like symptoms that were not covid (I did get tested and it was negative) and fatigue. My gut issues have been all over the place – partly stemming from anxiety. I also tend to eat to fill the anxious void in my stomach, especially when I’m alone at home all the time, and that makes the GI issues much worse.
The first two weeks of January were busy as I had two rounds of interviews for a job I really liked and wanted. I heard last Monday that I didn’t get it and I was really bummed. I have now come to terms with it and am trying to focus on my learnings from this experience.
The last few weeks have been harder for me as I’m grieving the end of yet another relationship. We have been together for a year and three months, as of today. In my head, this is the point where we would be living together, thinking of getting engaged and eventually married. And I want these things, with this person. And yet, it is not to be. Whenever I have a couple of silent hours to myself, I am confronted with this loss and pain. I don’t understand why this can’t work. All I know is that I am exhausted, of falling in love and dealing with rejection and pain. I don’t want to do this again – I don’t want to date again and try to meet someone and invest the emotion and effort to build a relationship. I want this relationship to work. I love him, I love that we have similar values about many things in life, we love and respect each other and inspire each other to be better people, I love our shared memories, our inside jokes, our comfort with each other. So I have been behaving like a toddler dragging her feet, refusing to accept that this is ending, even though I have known this for a few months now. We are together for now because it is too difficult to survive a pandemic alone – with no human touch or comfort or support. This makes everything much more difficult, as you can imagine. I have been talking to new people on dating apps, but it is very hard to date in the middle of a pandemic and the winter. I have tried meeting for an outside walk but it is hard to feel a connection when you are physically uncomfortable with walking in cold wind and masks and what not. And when your heart is still in love with another person. I also want guarantees right now – that a person is ready for a long-term relationship and a commitment, and wants to be with me – things that are impossible to know when you meet someone new.
So I don’t feel like dealing with anything in life these days. Of course, I still have to work and do anything that needs to be done. And I’m still cooking and washing dishes and getting groceries once a week. I am also trying to do my physiotherapy exercises almost everyday, so that they pain stays in the manageable range. Other than this, I am letting myself wallow which basically means I watched TV for hours on the weekend and read a book. Because of all my gut issues, I can’t even eat comfort food, gah! And I’m now remembering the episode of Gilmore Girls where Lorelai convinces Rory to wallow after her first breakup and that involved Pizza and ice-cream and someone holding you and rubbing your back while you cry. Sigh. No matter how old you are and how many times you experience it, heartbreak is still so painful.
Okay I know I said nothing of consequence, this was just a mish-mash of January happenings in my life. I will be back soon! Take care!