Isn’t it weird that I read posts about long-term couples and I remember moments when we shared those things in our short three and a half months together? Isn’t it weird that I still think about those memories, two years later? I’ve been heartbroken and angry, again, for the last month or so. I’m heartbroken because all those memories, the longing, and the pain feel fresh, again.
Today, hiking along the Atlantic Ocean in St. John’s, Newfoundland, one of our memories came back. It was the night your brother-in-law was yelling at your sister and she and the kids had to go to your uncle’s house. You and your brother were angry and called the cops; not for the first time, you told me. I saw you hurting, angry, and frustrated as you were on the phone with your siblings that night. I was touched by the fact that you and your brother called the cops, that this behaviour was not accepted; it was the first time I saw this happening. I opened up more about my family and the violence and abuse I have seen. We talked about how nothing ever changed when there was no accountability for the abuser’s actions. Later that night, you wanted to lie down on the yoga mat to straighten your back and calm your nerves. As I was tired and ready to go to bed, you felt obligated to come with me. I could sense that and asked you to stay on the mat for some time. ‘Are you sure?’, you asked. When I nodded yes, you said ‘Thank you. Can I kiss you when I come to bed later?’. I smiled, kissed you, and lay next to you on the yoga mat. As you fell asleep within a few minutes, I turned off the lamp and went to bed. At some point that night, when you came to bed, I stirred and asked if you were alright. ‘Yes, are you okay?’, you checked. ‘Yes, I am’. With that conversation and a quick peck, we went back to sleep. What do I call these memories if not love?
I’m angry because you didn’t give us a chance. As I told you on the phone last week, our connection was real. And you got scared. And I am frustrated that we threw this away. I would have done anything I could to see where this would go if you had agreed. But you weren’t ready to reflect on or accept your feelings. Last week, my therapist mentioned this analogy that we’re two boats who are brought together by mutual interests and similar personalities, genuine care for each other, and affection. But our relationship expectations are so different that we’re unable to jump into the same boat.
It may be time to push these boats away so they stop hitting each other; one of them is repeatedly getting damaged. We’ve been friends for about 2 years, I’m again getting to a point where it’s becoming too painful for me. I don’t know if I’m still grieving, re-grieving, or just crazy! I can’t help but think why do you/ did you not want more? Don’t you know that what we had was special? Knowing that you will never think about this or do anything differently, it may be time for me to take a step back and protect my heart a bit. Like I said last year, I’m tired of this unending unsolicited waiting. Because I know that you’re probably never going to show up, no matter how long I wait or wish otherwise. I wish you realized what we had, B. I wish.
Song on my mind – Ik Kudi from Udta Punjab