“If you didn’t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.” – Sarah Dessen
I have written about B a few times – how beautiful that relationship was, the things we shared, and the heartbreak following the end of that relationship. A little over two months ago, I decided to stop talking to him since conversations with him re-opened my wounds each time and made me yearn for something more with him. In the past two months, we briefly talked once when I called him to share something very important to me. I also text him a link to the post I wrote when I wanted to commemorate our non-existent one-year anniversary. I don’t think he read it.
A week ago, B called me and we talked for an hour, catching up and talking about lots of different things. As we talked about life and books and politics, he said that he misses this and that it’s been too long since we talked and that we should talk more often. More than once. I have always enjoyed talking to him and was really happy to hear that. His words also gave me hope about what I meant to him. I spent a couple of days wondering if he misses me more than ‘as a friend’. My heart built many castles in the air, I dreamed of a reunion in Pittsburgh, traveling together, and his moving to Toronto. Eventually, sanity prevailed and I rationalized that he probably just misses me as a friend. Even then, I spent a lot of time over-analyzing everything he said and wondering if he’s still seeing someone and if we could ever be together and how that would happen and so on.
As I got exhausted of living with this anxiety for a week, I called him yesterday and asked him these questions. He confirmed what my rational mind knew – he is still seeing this person and he misses talking to me as a friend. In the past, whenever we have had these conversations, I have found myself breaking down into tears and feeling really upset about not having a chance at a relationship with him. Yesterday, however, I felt okay. I have been working on accepting the end of this relationship for the last two months. It’s still hard and I often find myself reminiscing about moments shared with him. I still shed tears of sadness and wistfulness for what could have been but I’ve been trying to accept that it’s over. Yesterday, I did feel another pang of sadness after last week’s anticipation but I also felt at peace. I felt at peace knowing that I don’t need to wait and over-analyze and guess if and how and when we can be together, because he is not there. He doesn’t feel the same way for me, all these feelings and wishes are only in my heart and mind.
This conversation also told me that I must have meant something to him, our relationship last summer and our friendship since I left. I had been grappling with this question for quite some time now. I also realized yesterday that the most likely reason I have not been able to get over him is that I haven’t met anyone who I see myself being in a long-term relationship with. When I was with him, it felt right. I haven’t met anyone who has felt right since then.
I know that this is not the end. I still have a lot of memories to process and let go of little-by-little. However, this is a big change that surprised me and I wanted to make a note of this as a reminder for the days when I miss him and yearn for the lost moments that we never had.
Song on my mind – Skyfall by Adele