Today marks a year since we first met and also three and a half weeks since we last talked. I’ve been debating this past week if I should text you or not. Of course, I want to… I don’t want to let this day go by unacknowledged. I have missed you in this time that we haven’t talked, more often than I used to. But I am also trying to give myself the space and time I need to get over you and I don’t know how this would affect that…
I asked myself what I would say to you, if I were to text or call you. There’s nothing new to add to how I feel about you and what I’ve already told you. I think I would probably just say, “I hope you’re doing well and the apartment move and the language exams went well. I have been thinking about this day and couldn’t not say something about it. It’s been a year since we met. While I wish the present situation was different, I am so grateful for having met you and the experiences that we shared.. Thank you for everything!”
I also asked myself why is it so important for me to say these things to you… One of the biggest reasons is because I am incredibly happy and thankful for having met you – we shared some moments that will always be special… The last year and a half has been a period of incredible personal growth for me and you have been a part of that journey in some ways. From being positive and supportive for all the big life decisions I took to helping me get comfortable with my body and sexuality, you were there for me in ways I didn’t expect… Once I am in a better position in my life, I want to go back to being friends with you… However, a tiny voice in my heart also says that I want to say these things because I don’t want you to forget me… I want to stay relevant in your life because I don’t want to close the door on this relationship in case you change your mind or move to Toronto. This is despite the agony that this unsolicited waiting has put me through over the last few months. I know that it’s not fair to me to want someone so badly when I am an afterthought in their life. But that’s where I’m at right now.
Yesterday, I was looking at pictures from last year – some from our time together and some others… It’s interesting how time for most of my last year is defined by our relationship – the first time I met you, the trips we made, comments you made on my pictures with friends, my travels after I left, and so on. Looking at those pictures, those memories almost feel surreal… It’s been so long since we last met that when I saw those pictures, the happy faces and the different places, I almost wondered – were we really there? Yet, every now and then, I clearly hear your voice in my head – a memory of something you said or did bringing a smile to my face… Just this morning, I remembered how you said ‘Good Morning Sunshine’ when you woke me up in the morning. These moments are usually followed by an intense longing for that time and you in my life…
Some part of me also wonders, do you remember it? I was not not expecting to hear from you because I know that you will respect the fact that I told you that I need some space to get over you. But do you remember today that we met a year ago? Does it mean anything to you? I know you are seeing someone else and I also know that you said that the time we spent together was one of the happiest in your life and that I’m special for you. As always, I still find myself wondering, how much did I really mean to you?
I’ll just end this by saying that some part of me will always love you and wish you well.
Song on my mind – I will always love you by Whitney Houston