How do I say goodbye…

How do I say goodbye to you? I’m already tearing up, just thinking about it.. Since the last few days, I have been thinking that April 15th will be exactly a year since we met.. Instead of wishing you a happy anniversary, I have to say goodbye without even being able to say that to you.. How do I explain to you, and to myself, that everything still reminds me of you? I am settled in my life but not a single day goes by when I don’t think about you.. You moved apartments last week so I don’t even know what your new place looks like.. You haven’t shared anything on Facebook for more than two weeks and I find myself wondering if you are alright.. I know that you are a fully functioning adult who has family, friends, and a girlfriend looking out for you.. Yet I can’t stop caring for you and thinking about you..

Ironically, it was March 15th when you told me that you have been seeing someone for a while now.. You did tell me when you started seeing her, I chose to not talk about it since then because I found it upsetting.. It has been six months since I started my new life and the friends I have made in the new city know about you.. You are fondly referred to as the ‘love of my life ex’. Behind all the jokes and the life lessons, I miss you.. While I said goodbye to you on the surface and accepted the fact that we’re not together, I have been living in denial.. I have been hoping that you would change your mind and I have been waiting.. Whenever we talk, my feelings for you are further strengthened and I want more from you, even when I stopped sharing that with you.. I have always wondered if you think about me or miss me or feel something about me.. The prospect of your moving here in a year or so has given me more hope in the last couple of months..

Whenever I think of saying goodbye to you, my heart asks ‘what if you change your mind’ or ‘what if you move to Toronto’.. But I’m tired of standing at the door and waiting for you and looking out for you.. You didn’t say you are going to visit, why am I so hesitant in closing the door then? How long can I keep standing here? Why am I waiting for you to show up despite the agony it puts me through? What if you never move to Toronto? What if you move to Toronto with a girlfriend or a fiance or a wife? What if you move to Toronto and still don’t want to be in a long-term relationship.. I can’t keep waiting at this open door because I am tired of this agony.. If you ever come back, you can knock at the door.. I may open it and let you in, or I may not..

Since I decided to close this metaphorical door two weeks ago, I have still been standing behind it, crying silent tears as I remember the moments we shared.. It has been several months since you said goodbye, closed your door, and walked away.. To me, it feels like it’s happening all over again.. Maybe because I didn’t fully accept it the first time.. I have been hurt and angry at you for not loving me back.. I know that that’s ridiculous, yet I feel what I feel.. Do we have any unfinished business, I don’t think so.. The biggest question I have for you is, did you love me or not? Even though you never said it, is what you felt for me love? The fact that we have continued to talk and still like and respect each other and care for each other – isn’t that love? Why is it so important for me to know that you loved me?

Someone suggested writing a letter to you thanking you for everything I learnt by being with you as a way of saying goodbye.. Writing a letter to you and scattering it in the water or the wind has a finality that I’m still not ready for.. When I remember my previous breakup, I felt liberated after that.. On that evening, I biked to a small hill in Pittsburgh from where I could watch the sunset.. In the past, I had only gone there with the ex and he had driven me there but I rented a bike and biked up that hill that evening.. I didn’t make it to the top but that bike ride told me that I would be fine.. I took a picture of the crepescular by the swimming pool in the park on my ride back and that picture is symbolic of that breakup.. But I am at a loss in the current situation, I don’t know how I can say goodbye to you while I still crave for you.. I need to find a way to say goodbye to you.. Maybe, the decision to stop talking to you and to sit with these emotions and the pain is the first step..

Song on my mind – Koi Yeh Kaise Bataye by Jagjit Singh

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3 Responses to How do I say goodbye…

  1. Pingback: A(nother) letter to you! | Sunshine and Rainbows!

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