Layers

I’ve been thinking about the layers of emotions and feelings, what we think we feel vs what we actually feel.. I usually don’t run away from my  thoughts and feelings.. In fact, I have quite the opposite problem – I dwell on them too much when I’m trying to figure out why I feel a certain way or what I want or what’s going on.. There’s  something that happened on Sunday that I’m struggling  with.. While I can’t stop thinking about it, I feel this strong physiological response and have been unable to process it..

If you’ve been reading this space, you probably know about B – the guy I was dating for a few months and fell in love with and who was everything that I had been looking for.. Now, all was well in my world last weekend and I was working towards getting over B, or so I thought.. I even went on a date last week and was acting mature and told B about it when we talked on Saturday.. B and I have been friends, we talk about once a week and we’re happy to share life’s happenings with each other.. For some reason, I  randomly called him on Sunday night and as we were about to hang up, he mentioned that he recently  started seeing someone.. I didn’t know what to say except that I didn’t know and we hung up within a few minutes.. I immediately called him back and asked how long had it been, I don’t know why I needed to know that but I did.. Within a few minutes, we realized that I wasn’t OK with this new piece of information.. He was surprised at my reaction and I didn’t quite know what I was feeling and why.. We talked for another half hour as I quietly cried on the phone.. He sensed that and asked if I was alright and I said I was.. I told him I was surprised and I couldn’t quite understand what I was feeling.. We talked about what he and the relationship still meant to me and a few things I had not told him before.. All I knew was I couldn’t stop crying and there was a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.. I also felt guilty because I wanted to be happy for him since he was happy.. After hanging up, I felt like I couldn’t breath and the walls were closing in on me.. I cried in bed as I felt someone had kicked me in the gut, it felt like something or someone had died.. At some point that night, I finally fell asleep but I haven’t been able to shake off this feeling, this pit of dread in my stomach.. When I woke up the next morning, I text him that I may be so affected because subconsciously, I felt/thought/hoped that I meant more to him than he said/realized and that someday he would miss me and would want to be with me.. Someday, he would change his mind and feel the way I do.. His moving on and seeing someone else so soon is like a slap in the face, it tells me that that’s not the case and is not going to happen.. It makes me realize that this is just an illusion in my head.. My mind goes back to this conversation but then runs away from it.. My stomach clenches and I feel nauseous and I can’t understand why, so I’m writing about it here in an attempt to confront my thoughts and emotions and figure out what’s going on..

“The hardest part of waking up in the morning is remembering everything you were trying to forget last night.”

Over the last three months, I have found myself fondly remembering many shared moments with B, big and small.. However, right now, whenever I think of any of that , I think of him sharing those moments with another woman and I can’t handle that.. Both B and I had past relationships and we were comfortable talking about them.. The past never bothered me but a future does.. My rational mind tells me that this is crazy because things are over between us.. Of course, I didn’t expect him to stay single but I also didn’t think about him being with someone else.. I wonder if this is just jealousy or something more..

B had been through a few rough relationships and decided not to be in a long term relationship and I knew that within the first few weeks of meeting him.. After about five years or so, I’m not exactly sure how long, this was the first semi-serious relationship he was in.. We both had a great connection and I was almost sure that he would change his mind about not wanting to be in a long term relationship.. I really loved him and cared for him and I just wonder why it wasn’t enough. I now wonder, did his not changing his mind, at some point, become about me not being enough? If what we shared wasn’t enough? Watching stupid romantic movies while growing up, I was waiting for my happy ending and I felt that this was it.. I grew up watching, in reel and real life, women fixing and saving men from whatever demons were plaguing them.. I wonder if I was subconsciously trying to do that, if B not changing his mind meant that my love and what we shared wasn’t enough for him.. As much as I’ve tried to fight and move away from this mindset, it sometimes finds a way back..

When I think about our conversation, I find it very hard to think of him being  with another  woman.. When we were together, we both had a lot going on.. I was crazy busy applying to jobs and interviewing, and then wrapping up work and home and 7 years of my life in the US.. He was in a similar situation – he was applying for jobs and interviewing and wrapping up his work.. We were only able to see each other once a week and despite all this, we had a great time together.. In my head, this was evidence that we had a really strong connection if we provided so much support to each other in the middle of these storms.. In the last two months, things have calmed down for him, he is working in a new job that he really likes, he has a good work life balance and he is happy.. I’m genuinely happy for him for all these things.. What I struggle with is why I didn’t get a chance to be with him in these situations, a real chance at a relationship with him.. I’m angry that someone else gets that chance.. I’m not angry at him or her, but at life and circumstances and fate.. I’m angry because I feel like life’s been unfair to me.. I’m angry and frustrated and I’m tired of feeling hurt and of longing for love.. I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in Pittsburgh a bit longer.. I know that I can’t control life or its outcomes but I can’t stop thinking about this..

When I think of B with this person, I have a strong feeling that it will be something long term.. What if they decide to get married someday.. I know that I should be happy for him if that’s what he wants someday and decides to go ahead with it.. I genuinely respect him and care for him and want him to be happy.. But I feel like I’ve been cheated of something.. I feel that that person could have been with me.. Our relationship ended for no other reason except that I had to move out of Pittsburgh and I feel like that’s one of life’s cruel jokes.. When  you’re hurting in love, people who love you and care for you usually say something to the effect of you deserve better or that he or she didn’t deserve  you or that it was the other person’s loss.. This is what I heard but I don’t agree.. We both treated each other so well, there was so much respect, appreciation, and space in this relationship.. I felt that he valued and treated me just the way I wanted to be treated..

Another thing that I’m thinking about is replaceability, that everyone in our life is replaceable.. When we were talking that night after B told me, he said that the time he spent with me was one of the happiest times in his life.. He had told me that he was very happy with me within the first few weeks of meeting and he has always said that I will always be special for him.. I told him that I know that and realize that a relationship ending does not mean that what we had with that person wasn’t special .. However, I can’t help but think that if it was that special, then why did it end.. Some part of me ends up thinking that what we had was not special  enough, that I was not special enough.. I’ve been alright with being replaceable.. When my 8 year relationship ended, I genuinely wanted my ex to meet someone who he would be happy with.. Maybe the problem in the current situation is that we were really  happy and compatible together and I feel that there’s no reason for us to not be together..  I can’t stop thinking about what could have been..

This was the best relationship that I’ve been in.. I know that I would have done whatever it took to give it a real chance, if he were willing.. A little over a month ago, I wrote him a really long mail pouring my heart out and telling him all that I felt for him.. It was an attempt to leave no stone unturned and also to reason with him and hopefully make him reconsider his decision.. The only thing that I’ll be mad at him for is that he never replied to that email.. It was hard for me to write that mail, it took me days and I invested a lot of emotion in it.. I expected him to respond.. When I asked him about it,  he said that he didn’t feel ready to invest the emotions to respond to that email.. At some point, I accepted that and moved on.. When he told me about his seeing someone else, I was a little angry that he couldn’t invest emotions to respond to my email but can invest emotions to start seeing someone else.. I know that that’s his choice and decision to make and I have no right to be mad at him for this.. A new relationship usually brings a lot of excitement  and positive vibes, so these are two very different  situations.. But I can’t help feeling hurt about him not bothering to respond to that email..

So this is how I feel right now. Just when you think you’re moving in the right direction and life is getting better, life kicks you in the gut and you’re back where you started.. Is this how loss and grief feels? Have you dealt with unrequited love or something like this? I don’t know if I’m over-reacting or being overly dramatic about all this, but it just hurts too much right now.. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions for me as I deal with this.

Today morning, I saw this quote and maybe I need to try and let things go, I just can’t figure out how to do it..

“Your peace is more important than driving yourself crazy trying to understand why something happened the way it did. Let it go.” – Mandy Hale

 

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3 Responses to Layers

  1. I don’t know what to say but I feel it will be better for you to move on. Since he is already seeing someone else, probably he did not take this relationship seriously. Or he thought long distance would not work for him. You might find someone even better, someone who is ready for long term relationship, so please don’t think that he is the best person. Maybe someone even better is waiting for you. You just need to forget the past and move on.

  2. Pingback: How do I say goodbye… | Sunshine and Rainbows!

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