“Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn.”
I want to say this to you, right now. If only I could feel it too. I am tired. I am frustrated because I feel too much and expect and want more.
I love you, I said when we were saying goodbye.
Not as much as I like you, you responded.
Was that true, I now wonder. I’m not disputing what you said. I remember you changing plans to spend those last two nights with me. I remember your eyes, our hugs, your holding my hand and not wanting to let go, your hesitation in leaving the elevator door after our final goodbye.
Go now, I said.
I wish we had a choice. I wish we could spend some more time together, more minutes, more hours, more days…
Eighteen days later, it feels different. I do realize the constraints in our current situations but I feel what I feel. Time and again, I find myself wanting more – more time, more involvement, more you. I have been willing to re-organize my life and prioritize meeting you and spending time with you. I choose to do that.
I know that you like spending time with me and you did all that you could do. I also know that I can’t hold you responsible for not doing things you never said you will. You’ve been honest since the beginning about where you stand. Whenever we talked, you said that you weren’t ready for a long-term relationship. When it was time for me to move, you clearly said that you didn’t want a long-distance relationship. The irony of the situation is that when we first met, I wasn’t ready to start seeing you. Or anyone else, for that matter. I didn’t expect to fall in love when I knew I would be leaving the city in the next few months. And then I met you. And fell in love.
When I realized how much you meant to me, I was willing to change some plans. I tried to stay longer in the same city or close by, but it didn’t work out. I wanted to give things a real shot, to see if this can go anywhere, if what we have can last. Because I have been happy with you and it feels right. Because you seem to be the kind of guy I want to spend my life with. Because I think about wanting to raise kids with you, when I’m not even sure if I ever want kids. Because I respect and appreciate you for who you are. Because I feel seen, heard, valued and appreciated in this relationship.
I know it’s too soon. We’ve known each for only four months. I was not asking for any guarantees. I just wanted you to want this as much as I do.
We talk almost everyday. We Facetime often. I call you everyday because my day feels incomplete if we don’t talk. I don’t know what we have and where we stand. I am afraid to ask you, maybe because I don’t even want to find out. I am afraid to hear you repeat that you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship. This way, I live in the hope that we have something. As I get ready to leave the country, I just want to see you one more time. Because I am afraid that I may not see you again. Ever. And I know that it probably doesn’t matter if I see you this one time either, right? But to me, it does.
I love you. I have told you that a few times. I don’t expect you to say it back, I always tell you after. But some part of me wants to hear that you love me.
I am living my dreams and having the time of my life. You are a part of this time.
I miss you. I think about you everyday, no matter where I am, and what I’m doing. I just wish that it was reciprocal. Either you felt as strongly as I did, or I didn’t feel as much. I am a strong independent woman and I choose to live my life on my terms, as much as I can. However, when it comes to love, I can’t stop my heart from falling too fast and too hard. I don’t know how to not think about you or want you less. So I just hope that maybe you start wanting me more. On that note, happy four months!