Post breakup woes

“None of those things should have mattered, but I guess they did. I guess they were like water. Soft and harmless until enough time went by. Then all of a sudden you found yourself with the Grand Canyon on your hands.” – Carol Rifka Brunt

I saw this quote a few months ago, around the time AB and I broke up and I think it accurately describes what happened in our relationship. So as you know, Valentine’s Day was last Sunday. Most people I know were either being romantic and celebrating or upset or annoyed because they were single. I expected to be sad, but to my big surprise, I didn’t feel a thing. It helped that I stayed away from Facebook most of the day and didn’t have to watch lovey dovey couples all day. Another thing that helped was that I was busy on Saturday, I worked at Starbucks all day and met friends – one for brunch and the other for drinks. I spent Sunday at home, talking to a friend in India, cooking for the week, watching Friends, and trying to work some more on the job hunt stuff – things I usually do over the weekend.

AB actually texted me on Sunday morning and asked me if I was doing anything. I told him the truth – met a friend for drinks on Saturday night and had no plans for Sunday. He asked if I wanted to meet and I refused, which was a surprise for me. I think the reason I didn’t feel anything was because I can’t even remember when was the last time we celebrated Valentine’s day together. I think I had gotten so used to expecting things and getting disappointed and fighting about everything, that at some point, I stopped expecting. The last vague memory I have from trying to celebrate V Day with him is the year Ek main aur Ekk Tu was released. I just checked and the year was 2012 and I wanted to go watch the movie with him. For whatever reasons that I don’t remember now, the plan didn’t work out and we probably fought because I remember watching that movie alone at home because I refused to be sad  and not watch the movie. I was a little annoyed at him texting me specifically to ask about Valentine’s because hello, where were you for the last four years!

Sometime later in the day, he asks me if I was really that miserable with him and if I’m happy now. He asked me the same question about ten days ago and I told him I’m unhappy and told him the reasons for it. This time, I asked him if he’s hoping to hear something. And then I explicitly said that I was unhappy. I told him that there have been many other things that I’ve been struggling with, besides the relationship, and he’s known that. If I made him feel that he was the sole reason for my unhappiness, I am sorry. I asked him what he’s expecting to hear from me when he asks me this question. I talk about the incompatibility between us. I try to stay calm and not get worked up when we talk about all this.

But I’m tired of being portrayed as the villain who dumped him and didn’t try to make the relationship work. When a relationship wasn’t working for more than three years, what did you expect me to do. I chose to leave rather than stay unhappy just because we were together for eight years. I tell him that it’s not my fault that he didn’t pay attention when I was saying that things are not working out for more than three years. He is where I was three years ago. At this point, it becomes a blame game. He thinks I’m blaming him for the relationship not working out. This is true to a certain extent, I am not over all the hurt and pain that I went through all these years. I just try not to think about it on most days. Then he tells me that I wasn’t perfect either. I accept that I wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t perfect, and that we were incompatible. Then he says that I chose to over look the good parts and focus on the messed up things in the relationship.Then he says that he will never be at peace with how things because he has a different belief system. And he hopes that I think it was a good decision when I look back at this decision in the future.

These conversations bring up so much frustration and hurtful memories for me, things that still bother me. I want to yell all the things that he did and did not do – how much I tried to spend time with him and build a life together, how I could never count on him for big things or small. I want to yell how he ruined my PhD defense and graduation day even though he knew how much it meant to me. I want to remind him of the ways he didn’t come through for me when I needed him. I want to remind him that he broke up with me on my birthday one year and I spent the evening crying and watching a movie, alone at home. I want to remind him all that I did when his family was visiting here in the summer two years ago, and all the things he didn’t do when mine was visiting last summer. But it’s no point, because all that’s in the past. There are reasons we broke up.

What he doesn’t understand is that he was still moderately happy in the relationship and most of his needs were getting met and that’s why he wanted to stay in the relationship. I was unhappy, seeking support from other people, and very dissatisfied. I didn’t get the support I needed from him in my worst or best times, and the relationship wasn’t meeting my basic needs. I don’t say these things to his face because I don’t want to hurt him or be mean or rude. I want to be compassionate towards his pain, but frankly, I’m tired of being labeled the inconsiderate person who doesn’t value love or long term relationships and chose to leave. If you couldn’t fucking make the effort when I was there, don’t expect me to stay just because we loved each other some years ago.

Sorry for the rant, but this has been in my system for three days, and I needed to get it out. I’m mostly doing fine, except when some things get triggered.

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6 Responses to Post breakup woes

  1. Arch says:

    Hugs Kinmin! I am so glad you stood up for yourself and didn’t keep waiting for it to miraculously get better. Hold your head high and take things as they come, for this too shall pass!

  2. Ugh! Hugs to you Kinmin. This must feel very frustrating. You are very unhappy right now, but hopefully things will get better. I was upset for a long time and I still feel the longing. 😦 But it is what it is now. I am not going to go back even if he comes here. Too much has happened. I believe the same for you. I respect you for choosing to walk away. 10 years back I would have said that its your fault and you should have stuck through thick or thin. Honestly. But I understand emotions better now and realize the need for emotional fulfillment. Love is complicated and it’s not all rosy and encompassing like made out in movies. They don’t have to be practical. But we have to be. What is life if lived without getting back what you give out. Ghut-ghut ke kya jeena?

    • kinmin says:

      Thanks a lot pb! I can relate to it when you say that 10 years ago I would have wanted to make it work, no matter what.. I think bollywood movies, romantic novels and even society conditioned us in such a way.. But I now realize that relationships in life should be a source of positivity, support and happiness and comfort a majority of the time, and conflict some of the time.. not the other way around.. I agree that relationships have to be mutually satisfying.. and he did a lot for me in his own ways, but it wasn’t what I needed.. it’s a classic case of a square hole and a round peg – they can’t fit.. have you seen the movie akash vani?

  3. I am not sure if I am the right person to say this as I have no idea what happened between you two. But with some experience, I feel you should tell him exactly what the problem was instead of worrying about him getting hurt. It is always good to have open communication in any relationship. There were many times when I felt hubby shouldn’t have behaved in a certain way and I tell him right there. He does get hurt sometimes but there is no misunderstanding or hurt feelings later on. He makes an active effort and never behaves in that way again. None of us are perfect, we have our flaws but unless we let a person know what their mistake was, we cannot expect much improvement. I always wonder about long term relationships. If two people were together for so long, there must be something about the other person that they really liked.

    • kinmin says:

      Thanks for the comment ak. I agree that open communication is very important for healthy long term relationships.. when we started having problems, both of us didn’t have the maturity to properly communicate so that the other person understands.. when we did realize that, we already had too much baggage from the past.. also, in the recent past, in spite of my clearly communicating, we were unable to resolve many things because of the inherent difference in our personalities and preferences.. I have told him most of this stuff at other times, except clearly stating that things were good enough for him n that’s why he wanted to continue to be together.. I’m now at the point where I don’t want to invest more energy in explaining what happened when we’ve talked about it in the past, and the conversations usually turn into a blame game..

Say what you feel.. I would love to hear your opinion!

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