I’ve wanted to write here for a while.. Sometimes I even had the post composed out in my head but something was stopping me and I didn’t know what it was. After much introspection, I think I have some idea.. And I’d like to write about that…
I have been embarrassed.. The last post I wrote was about my breakup with AB, and some of you felt my pain and comforted me.. I have been feeling that I am not handling this breakup the ‘right way’ and have been embarrassed about that.. I feel like I have let you down, and let me explain why I feel this way.. I have known that mine and AB’s relationship has not been working for quite some time.. We have broken up a few times earlier, but we always ended up getting back together.. This time, after breaking up, I still ended up texting AB almost every weekend.. We even met a few times.. One of those times was legitimate and I didn’t have a choice.. However, most other times, I ended up texting him because I was feeling lonely or missing him or he text me and I responded.. This behavior of mine made me feel stupid.. I have been feeling that I am acting immature by texting him and meeting him.. I berated myself for why I can’t just be strong enough to deal with this breakup, that I should know better.. Earlier, whenever I had imagined the breakup in my head, I knew that it would be hard and I would be miserable, but I also thought that I would be strong enough to deal with it.. And I have been disappointed and embarrassed by my behavior.. I am beginning to realize now that the judgement has been in my head and self-imposed rather than external..
There is one big difference this time.. Unlike the past, through all these weeks, I have known that I don’t want to be in a romantic relationship with him, that I don’t want to get back together with him.. Even though we talked and met, I knew that we were broken up and I didn’t want to get back together with him.. So, I have been trying to introspect and understand that why am I still texting and meeting him when I am so clear in my head.. One reason is that I miss him a lot.. I miss the friendship and the fact that we could relate to each other so well because of our eight year long history.. Another reason is that in the recent past, he has mostly been my only human interaction or the only person I could think of going out with on a weekend night.. Most of my close friends in Pittsburgh have moved and I just have one or two friends here.. So I end up feeling very lonely.. It’s this loneliness that makes me miserable and crave for him.. When I miss him, I don’t specifically miss him, but just miss the presence of someone I can be close to or just hangout with.. The irony is that even when we were in the relationship, I could not count on him for these things, but I was used to that uncertainty and it felt better to have something rather than nothing..
When I feel lonely over the weekends, I start feeling sorry for myself.. My life has been very tough these past few years, both at the personal and professional fronts.. I am exhausted of constantly swimming upstream in an attempt to survive.. So, in these past few months, a part of me has been fighting and denying the current situation and been unwilling to accept things.. When I am feeling miserable, my prominent thoughts are that this is not fair and I don’t deserve this.. That I’m tired of having to deal with everything in life all alone.. That I want someone else to support me and help me fix this.. I go back and forth between justifying my wallowing as a part of post-breakup grief and judging myself harshly for being a cry baby and doing nothing to change the situation.. At times like this, I need to remind myself that despite my exhaustion, I am trying to do things to change my life.. I have signed up for a million things at work this semester, mainly for two reasons. I want to switch careers, so I’m trying to grab all possible opportunities I can that can help me with future career exploration. The other reason has been to keep myself busy, which may have backfired since I have been constantly feeling burnt out. Other than commitments at work, I have been trying to make the effort to make new friends in the last month, and reconnect with the old ones.. I have tried to go to social events when I can, and reached out to a few friends in Pittsburgh and not chickened out and cancelled plans at the last minute (which I’m prone to do)..
I know that things are a lot better for me than many other people, that I still have a lot of things that are good, that things can be much worse.. I try to keep things in perspective but that doesn’t work at all on some days.. I guess that’s alright.. My family is supportive and understanding for the most part, and I have been reaching out to them.. I also have many close friends I feel connected to despite the distances separating us.. So, I am learning to accept my life situations and pushing myself to start afresh and create a support network.. I am also trying to be less judgmental and critical and more accepting of myself, and to extend the same kindness and compassion towards myself that I feel for others.. This is a work in progress, but I think I’m on the right path..
How have you been? Do you also struggle with harsh self-criticism and judgement?