Processing my thoughts and feelings…

So I have been missing you.. Quite a lot..
I miss talking to you, sharing the itty bitty stuff that has been happening… Nothing special, just the small everyday stuff..
I missed you when I started watching Gilmore girls.. I wanted to tell you that I saw 6 episodes in a day..
I miss you..
I miss our effortless conversations.. because we have known each other for more than 8 years.. I don’t have to pretend in front of you.. I am who I am.. I was complaining that you want to be with me only because I am your comfort zone, but so are you for me…
I miss life at the stupid things we both say and do…
I miss being able to act difficult.. even though you weren’t accepting or supportive most of the time, at least you were present some of the times..
I miss you because I feel so lonely.. there’s no one to talk to.. or go out with.. or drink with.. or watch a movie with..
I miss you because I’m dreading the long weekend.. I’m dreading the quiet times and the loneliness.. Even though we would probably not be spending much time together even otherwise..
I miss you because you made the effort  to share in these last 2.5 months.. because I have gotten used to your calls.. and your messages.. and your way of making an effort to meet me and sharing the mundane details of everyday life..
I miss you because you’ve said and done many thoughtful things in the past 2.5 months that I find myself remembering…

****

I have wanted to call you.. to turn back time.. to not have had that conversation at all.. this breakup was unexpected.. it took me by surprise and hit me really hard.. I know I am the one who said that it’s not going to work out.. and I still stand by that.. I didn’t want to be dishonest with you when we talked about stuff.. about us and the relationship.. I like being with you when things are good, I’ve been happy on some days in the past 2.5 months when we’ve shared a connection.. but those days are few.. and they are unpredictable and I can’t rely on them..

****

Even though I may be sometimes happy with you in the moment, I don’t think that you are someone I want to marry…

Because when I’m struggling the most and am at my lowest, I don’t get the emotional support I need.. In the last couple of months, I even tried to communicate what I needed and wasn’t getting.. but you were unable to understand.. and I know that it’s not because you did not want to.. but because you just think and feel very differently.. you are inherently very different from me..
Because I feel that I can’t rely on you for support.. you are the nicest person when you are in a good phase, and that’s who I am missing right now.. but you have your phases.. and you are suddenly distant and cold.. and I am unable to deal with that…
Because I don’t know if I like you as a person.. you are arrogant and cocky.. and I don’t like those kinds of people.. things are a bit different when it’s just you and me.. you are not as cocky, and I call you out on it.. but it’s different when other people are around..
Because I feel like you don’t respect me the way I’d like to be respected.. I sense that somewhere you feel that you’re smarter, more responsible, or more adult than I am.. It could be that I’m projecting this on you, but I don’t think so.. because other people have noticed the same things and mentioned it..
Because you don’t like me for who I am.. I don’t feel valued or appreciated for the small things that make me who I am..
Because you can be very emotionally aloof when you feel like it.. irrespective of the occasion and other people’s needs…
Because I’ve never seen you care for another person’s needs over yours.. in any relationship..
Because I’m more giving in all other relationships in my life.. While I don’t like to blame other people for my behavior, I feel that not receiving much in return for so many years from you has brought this change in my attitude.. In the last 2.5 months, I was trying to be more caring for 2-3 weeks, but then I didn’t get care when I needed it.. and then I stopped..
Because you are unable to understand the kind of stress that I accumulate and process, and how my body reacts to it.. And to support me through things…
Because I sometimes feel that your behavior is sexist – not in the obvious ways, but more in the pervasive subtle everyday kind of things.. The kind that requires a lot of introspection, questioning the status quo, and struggling hard to fight those biases.. And I don’t think you would make the effort to do that…
Because I can’t depend on you for small things or big things…
Because you are not compassionate towards my pain and struggles..
Because you are not compassionate towards other people’s suffering.. And you can say that that shouldn’t be important, but it is to me..
Because we are very different people, who want different things out of life…

****

I find myself thinking about you and wanting to talk to you.. is it love or habit, I don’t know.. I don’t even know or understand what love is anymore.. but it just hurts too much right now.. Even though, according to my head, I’m doing the right thing.. it’s still painful.. I hope that it gets better, given that it’s been only 2 days.. Writing this is just an attempt to understand my feelings and thoughts.. As I remember all the good things and feel sad and miss you, I want to stay in touch with why we broke up.. And even though it’s not easy right now, it’s the right thing to do, for both of us.. At least, I hope that it is..

Advertisements
This entry was posted in LIFE and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Processing my thoughts and feelings…

  1. Oh dear. 😞 This makes me so sad. Big bear hug Kinmin. I wish I could take some pain away.

  2. Bikramjit says:

    Sometimes life is such .. but god is great as they say there is always someone somewhere who would be waiting for you ..

    Maybe just round the corner . Take care of yourself.. All will be fine..

Say what you feel.. I would love to hear your opinion!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s