So it’s been almost a month since I wrote the last post. I did try to write several times since then, I have had multiple ideas for posts everyday and even some half-written drafts. But I have been feeling this intense internal resistance whenever I have tried to do anything productive for the last few weeks. It’s been there for everything – work, writing, cooking, cleaning – you get the idea right? Of course, I push myself over this resistance to finish things that have a clear deadline and need to be done. But all the other things have been getting pushed because I haven’t felt like doing them. In conversations with my therapist last week, we were trying to identify why I’m feeling this resistance – is it a symptom of depression, or a deep cause that is indicative of a gut feeling that is stopping me from doing certain things. Since this resistance is not specific to a particular aspect of my life and I feel it in almost all activities , I think it’s a symptom of feeling depressed and/or anxious and stressed. So, I want to try to push myself out of this rut, and I have been trying to work on this since the last two days.
I woke up feeling terrible this morning, and I think it was partially driven by how I was feeling last night. So yesterday was my lab holiday party at my adviser’s house. Now, I am not close friends with any of my lab mates, but I get along with almost all of them, and like talking to some of them. Since this was the first holiday party of the season and the first time my adviser was hosting it at his house, I was fairly excited. I dressed up a bit, and drank wine while getting ready because I wanted to be relaxed and in a good mood. The party went well, we were at his house for three hours or so, and considering that I didn’t have any expectations, we had a good time! On our way back, I was in a happy mood and energetic and it was only 10 pm. I really wanted to go out to a bar or do something fun, and asked AB , but he refused to go out. I have one friend (J) who I’ve gone out drinking with a few times and I text her but she wanted to stay in as well. And that’s when my feelings started going downhill.
I came home and decided to have one more glass of wine and watch a movie. I often do that alone on Friday nights and I’m mostly OK with that, but I was so lonely yesterday. AB went to sleep and he usually doesn’t give me company when I want to watch something. And I’m tired of asking for company for him, because if he doesn’t want to do something together as a couple, then what’s the point. But some nights like these, I feel miserable that I have no really close friends here to spend time with when I’m really lonely and need someone. So I watched a movie alone and went to bed around 2 am, and then for whatever stupid reason, I woke up at 9 am and could not fall asleep again. I had plans to go the gym with my friend J this morning, and I was looking forward to it because it would have made me feel better, but she canceled. I know that it’s alright and people’s plans change but for me, it was a morning that felt like whatever could go wrong would go wrong.
So I tried hard to fight all of this and still have a decent day. I still made my bed after waking up and did the dishes to distract myself. I sorted through a lot of mess in the apartment, made a few pending phone calls for chores, and ate healthy all day. I napped after lunch and spent time on the internet reading up stuff and finishing up pending tasks. I didn’t try to work on my paper, because I felt that strong resistance that I don’t want to do it. On second thoughts, maybe I should have tried to work on it a little bit just to push back my resistance. As the day ended, I pushed myself to write this post. I have been toying with the idea of writing everyday, because it helps me reflect and introspect and I have found it to be very helpful as a mindfulness exercise. I did three monthly blogging challenges this year, and found all of them very helpful. I’m not taking this up as a challenge because I have enough challenges in my life right now. But I certainly want to spend thirty minutes to an hour everyday to reflect on the day and write about it. I don’t know if it will be a good idea to post these everyday on the blog, so I’ll figure that out as we go.
I was thinking today that December is usually tough for me. That should not be the case, considering that it’s my birthday month, and there’s so much holiday cheer around. I think the weather is partially responsible. November is not so bad, but December brings freezing temperatures and overcast skies that kill my spirit – I think we have had only one sunny day so far in this month. I know that the weather is the same for everyone, and I don’t know why I feel the way I do. Maybe the bottom line is that I feel really lonely and having a few close friends would make other things more bearable. Sometimes I also wonder if the holiday cheer, the pressure to be positive and happy makes it harder when you’re not feeling so upbeat! I had written a post about this earlier this year as well. I have also been missing home a lot, which is another thing that invariably happens this time of the year as well. Here’s a poem I wrote about that last year!
I have a lot more to write, it feels like the flood gates have opened! But I should go to sleep now, so let’s wait until tomorrow to write more. I hope that my Sunday will be more cheerful. I hope that your weekend has been going well, and you have a good Sunday!