A random post I wrote when I was at the Dubai airport on my way to India. I was quite tired from all the traveling, so it’s not very well written!
I like to plan things.. Even if I don’t have time to plan in advance, I plan for the day at least. If I don’t do that, I’m not very efficient and I just keep fretting over time wasted or things not going the way I’d like. When things don’t go according to plan, I feel very disconcerted and upset and can’t stop thinking about them. I’m constantly told that I think a lot, by anyone and everyone who knows me well. And sometimes I get annoyed by that too. I tend to over analyze every little thing and agonize over stuff when it doesn’t go as planned. I’m unable to let go of small things and just tire myself out thinking about them. For e.g., I’m on my way to Delhi via Dubai today and I bought some wine from the duty free store. I have a credit card that doesn’t charge extra fees on foreign transactions, but that was declined. Probably I should have called the bank before to let them know about my upcoming trip. Anyway, so I used another credit card then. A few minutes later, I realized that I had enough cash and I could have paid with that and then, I won’t have had to pay that extra fees. But there’s nothing I can do it about now, since I’ve already made the purchase. And the charge would be probably less than $5. But I still can’t get over it, I’m annoyed that my card didn’t work and that I didn’t use cash instead. Now, I know that this is trivial and the money involved is insignificant but I somehow get so affected by these small things. They disturb my inner equilibrium and I keep blaming myself for these small errors. And this is just one small example. There are so many such trivial things that I worry about everyday. And mostly, I feel annoyed and tired with myself over these things.
I wonder what is the reason.. Is it the tendency to control and micro-manage life, something like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder(OCD)? Or is it just a lack of inner peace and calm? Do you feel the same over small or big things? Have you figured out a way around this?