This post is a rant.. And kinda depressing.. so read it at your own risk..
It’s one of those days.. I just feel crappy.. Is it because I’ve been over-worked and exhausted and overwhelmed and stressed.. I don’t know.. Since February, things have been crazy busy in lab.. I’ve routinely had 10 or 12 hour days and have been working pretty much all weekends.. And I’ve been trying to eat healthy, so been cooking at home which is a lot of work as well.. March is going to be like this as well..
Today also, I woke up, cooked and decided to clean the apartment since it was dirty way beyond my tolerance levels, and then went to lab.. From there, AB picked me up and we went out for dinner with some of his friends.. When I was there, I started feeling like I just wanted to get out of there.. I don’t know if it was because I wasn’t having fun with the people we were hanging out with.. or because seeing the newly engaged couple with all the love they shared made me sad.. or because I feel sad about how mine and AB’s relationship is so dead.. Throughout the evening, we barely spoke to each other.. And it was kinda awkward.. We were a group of 5 people and I was sitting in the middle of AB and one of his close friends, T. Almost every few minutes, he would address her and say something.. And trust me, I’m not jealous.. I know that they are great friends and get along really well.. And T is in a long term relationship as well.. And I would be fine, maybe even happy for AB, even if they were to get together because they have a lot in common and seem to have fun together .. But what upset me was the stark contrast to how I and AB barely talk now.. And then I went to the restroom and I just wanted to cry.. I feel like I’m stuck in a loveless marriage when we’re not even married.. I don’t understand that how does he not see it.. I just wanted to get out of there and tell him that this is over.. But I know that he is defending his PhD thesis in a month, and I shouldn’t do this to him right now.. And then I wonder.. would he do the same for me? Does he still care? And then I’m going to India the day after his defense.. And 10 days after I come back from India, his parents are coming here.. So I don’t know when to do it? I know it’s going to be hard..What makes it harder is the fact that I know that he’s a great guy but I also know that things are not working out..
Everyday, I see signs of how we’re not right for each other.. Casually, I joke to him that yeah, you will realize this or that when I’m not in your life anymore.. I say this stuff so that when we breakup, it doesn’t come as a shock to him.. The other day, he said to me, “Stop threatening me. If you’re so unhappy, just leave.” Why don’t I do that? Why doesn’t he see all that I see? I feel sad when I see that he barely needs me in his life.. Yet he doesn’t see it..
I feel so lonely some days.. I barely have any friends in Pittsburgh.. I did have 2 close friends, but they have both moved out.. And I don’t seem to get along with most people I meet.. I mean I’m OK on the surface but I’m not someone who likes to indulge in small talk or gossip about other people.. And then most of my ideas (my stands on feminism, social equality, stereotypes, climate change, etc.) are such a stark contrast to the supposed American culture.. I sometimes feel like such a misfit.. And I can’t even relate to friends or family back in India anymore.. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.. be it in India or in US.. I’m just so conflicted with everything and don’t know where to go.. Days like these, I just wish the world would just somehow end.. that I don’t want to live this life anymore.. And I’ve been crying non-stop since I came home.. C’est la vie…
Song on my mind -Silli Hawa Chhoo Gai (It’s an old song , the lyrics are by Gulzaar, I don’t know the singer)