It’s that kind of a day again.. I’m feeling quite low and lonely.. and I’m tired of feeling lonely.. I have been in this stupid city for almost 4 years now and why I still don’t have any friends is beyond me 😦 I just feel stuck all the time.. in bad weather.. in this city.. in grad school.. in my family’s issues.. in my body.. in my life..
It all started with K inviting me and AB for a get together tonight at V’s place. I had plans for today evening but I was willing to go to K’s place after that.. I asked AB and he, as usual, said he doesn’t want to go to either place. I told K that we are going for another potluck somewhere and we won’t be able to make it.. And now it’s f***ing cold outside (low temperatures, windchill and snowfall) and I’m frustrated that I don’t have a car and don’t know how to drive and can’t drive to wherever I want to go.. This potluck is with people in my program and I’m not sure if it will be fun, because so far, I’ve not been able to relate too much to those guys.. But I’m going in my attempt to be social and not be lonely..
So the dinner K invited me to is at V’s place and I don’t know him or his wife and so I was looking at his FB profile.. And there were pictures from so many places they have traveled to and just of them hanging out with friends.. And I started feeling even more crappy.. Really, why don’t I have friends here??? Ever since I have moved to Pittsburgh, I have tried to find like-minded people I can hang out with but with no luck.. I had one close friend M who recently moved somewhere else and now I’m all alone here, sad and lonely.. Do you think it’s hard to make friends as we grow older? I feel like I’m not as open-minded and outgoing as I used to be ~5 years ago.. Is it because I feel more vulnerable? Or because I feel stuck in my life which I think is sad and so don’t like to share much with others? Or because I judge others much too harshly? Or because I’m very opinionated? Or because I can’t deal with small talk beyond a point? I’ve had conversations with my other friends and they also seem to be having the same issues – that it’s hard to find and make new friends now! But why??!!!
And then, I started thinking about me and AB.. I don’t know what’s going on with us.. For the last month or so, we’ve hardly been talking or sharing.. Sometimes, it seems that we both have moved on in our minds, but are somehow still together.. We barely talk or meet.. and when we do, we just talk about trivial stuff.. And I feel that we are both unhappy in this relationship because we are not getting much out of it.. We’ve grown totally apart in the last few years and don’t have much in common.. And the biggest problem is that we are mean to each other all the time.. I don’t talk to anyone else the way I talk to him and no matter how much I try, I’m unable to stop myself.. We are just constantly trying to prove that we are better than the other person and trying to pull down the other person.. I am tired of everything and I know that I want out.. Why I don’t do it is beyond me.. Is it because somewhere I still feel something for him.. or because I’m used to being with him since it’s been almost 7 years.. or because it’s convenient to be with him.. or because I’m scared I’ll be extremely lonely since he’s the only ‘friend’ I have here.. or because I’m scared I’ll not find anyone else.. or because I’m worried that he’ll be all alone if we break up.. I don’t know..
I’m just totally exhausted with being in this limbo.. I’m not ready to breakup and I’m not ready to commit.. It’s always that I want to wait for some situation to be over and then we’ll breakup.. Sometimes it’s a trip, sometimes it’s a birthday and now it’s his defense coming up in April.. I’m sure I’ll find something else to hang on to after that.. But is this sustainable in the long term? I don’t know about him because he doesn’t talk about this stuff much, but I’m tired of all this.. Some days I feel like I’m doing the thinking for both of us in this relationship because I keep speculating if he actually feels the same way I do or not.. So yeah, long story short, I’m exhausted of being in this state.. And now I don’t like talking about this with anyone (him or close friends or family) because I’m not willing to change anything.. and there’s nothing anyone can do to help me.. Until I gather the courage or motivation or whatever it is I need to go either way, I will feel stuck..
And I can’t move on in life until I resolve this dilemma.. So I just constantly feel stuck.. in bad weather.. in this city.. in my dependence on him.. in grad school.. in my family’s issues.. in my body.. in my life..